Technically it's been Spring for a while now, but today is the first day where it feels like it is finally upon us in New England.
That means a lot of things for a lot of people. For the young, zestful people it means spring fever and inimitable happiness. For others it means spring cleaning. For me it means spring reflections.
This past winter brought a lot of change for me. Most of it self imposed. Entering winter, my weight was out of control. I was inactive, low on energy, had no drive or direction and felt increasingly more unhappy and loser-ish the longer I spent in that state.
Around Christmas, I could barely get out of bed in the morning, and a majority of my day most days was spent dreaming of when I would return back to sleep.
I recognize that type of behavior and mindset. It's avoidance. It's running away. The only time I wasn't aware of all the self-imposed difficulties I was experiencing was when I was asleep. So I craved that sweet escape.
I have a bit of an all or nothing mentality. So along with taking on those two changes, I started a blog, doubled my school course load, and gave myself a deadline to have a novel manuscript completed by.
All in all, I would call my winter a success. I haven't failed any classes or missed any workouts. The first draft of the novel is nearly fully edited. My blog hasn't been pulled off the internet. And I dropped the weight I needed to drop -- plus gained my life back by increasing my energy.
Through all of those undeniable successes, I can't help but feel as if that progress could all slip away as quickly as it came. That my all or nothing mentality could shift and throw me back into the nothing category at a moment's notice.
The past few months have been about gaining control, and accepting those things that I can't control. It's a process of learning about myself. It's a process of owning up to my feelings and so understanding why I do the things I do. For a while, it almost felt easy to do that, because I was riding the momentum.
Now that the shiny veneer of a new diet and exercise has faded away, some outside factors have thrown dirt on my progress. Now I have to really embrace my feelings and why I'm feeling certain way -- even though those feelings are now negative more often than in the past few months. That's part of the process. That's part of what I was trying to teach myself. Now is the time to put some of those lessons into action and prove to myself that I'm the one who has the power to dictate the direction my life takes.
Do good things.