Now that the crystalline veneer of good news is starting to strip off of my vision, I find myself at at a point in my writing journey that I've never been before.
Until now, it's all just been a battle of convincing myself that writing is worth my time. That all the countless hours aren't just going down the drain.
In a way, I still don't feel completely comfortable putting my writing in the forefront of my list of priorities.
It doesn't pay my way through life. I have a Full-Time job for that.
It doesn't educate me in a way that most people understand, but in a way that only I can see the value of. Most people think that my schoolwork is for building a basis of knowledge, but it's more about security for me. A degree opens doors. Writing can too, but there's no certainty in it.
It doesn't build my relationships. Though it does help me explore them, to make sense of why people do the things they do.
If writing doesn't meet any of these critical needs, then how can I justify putting it high on my list of priorities?
I struggle with it at times. A pang of guilt forms on a Monday, when I sit to write but I know I could be starting my week off right by getting a jump on homework -- rather than cramming all weekend as I sometimes do.
A fear of missing out creeps up on me some nights when I sit to write, after I turned down invitations to go out and see people that I care about.
Then there's work, which I can't ever put off till later, but I struggle to leave its stresses behind when I go home. It sneaks up on me when I am in the middle of a sentence, filling my head with thoughts of all the responsibilities waiting for me Monday through Friday, week after week.
With all these factors conspiring to deter me from prioritizing my writing, how do I move forward? How do I silence the doubt and keep pushing myself to make writing my life?
I'm not here with any proven answers. I never am. All I know is that I am going to continue to try, day after day, to make writing the focal point of my working life.
If I'm busy, I want to be busy writing. If I'm working, I want to be working on writing. The relationships -- I can't ever find a substitute for that. I need to work on that. It's one of the most important aspects of human existence. But I know that I can find most everything else I need through continued dedication to the one aspect of myself that truly imparts meaning to my existence.
This isn't to say that I'm giving up on anything. I want to do it all to the best of my abilities. I simply refuse to let them stop me from chasing my dream. If it means sacrificing sleep, relaxation, comfort, I will.
I will make every sacrifice I can to push myself to the future I set my sights on. Dreams are like fairies, just because you believe in them, it doesn't mean the world around you must. It's up to you to prove that they can exist in this world.